Recap on Thoughts and Feelings
by Miss Ge
Summary: As the title states, this is a recap on Sheldon and Amy's point of view of their relationship up to their kiss in Season 9. It's my first Big Bang Theory fanfic, and also the first one I wrote in more than 10 years, so please be nice with me! Comments are always welcomed, since nobody around me speaks English and I can never have feedback from anybody. Enjoy!
1. Sheldon's Point of View

Sheldon's Point of View

I never would have thought that a Beach Boys song could be anything but an earworm. It turns out "Darling" was the key to finally get how much Amy Farrah Fowler meant to me. How foolish and selfish I had been. How I can't even imagine me breathing without her anymore. It took me an eternity to realize how much I've changed but I finally did. And as I was walking to her apartment, I couldn't help but remember all those moments she gave herself to me and I just didn't respond the appropriate way. The right way. They way you should respond when you love a girl.

She was exactly what I wanted from a girl at the beginning. When I met her, she was doing her duty of meeting someone once a year to please her mother. We hit it off right away. She was just like I was: no heart, just brain. Thinking instead of feeling. Up to that point, in both our lives, it had been perfect that way. We were a perfect match. However, as time passed and she came out of her shell, she started opening her heart and hoping for more. She sometimes even acted on it, which troubled me every time she did. To be honest, it bothered me more that it troubled me. I just couldn't understand why a girl this perfect would want to become like every other girl. I liked her that way, why did things have to change? Why would she expect that I would change?

Like the first time she held my hand. As she took it in hers, I instinctively closed my fingers on her hand, but the warmth of it made me realize what she was doing and I released it. After that, I could not close my fingers over her hand anymore. My lack of reaction probably hurt her. It took me by surprise and I just didn't know what to do. When I finally understood, her hand was out of mine, and it was over. I missed the moment.

At the time, I can't say it bothered me so much. In fact, it didn't bother me at all. Amy, that I really liked but had no idea what to do with, took me in spaces I never thought existed in me. These emotions took a long time to unravel, to slowly creep over my head and settle into my heart. As I look back on it now, it was the first time I let her touch me. I didn't pull back, which was a first. I did not encourage her, which was normal. I remember that that night, before I drifted out to sleep, the image of her taking my hand came back to me and it made me feel good. And scared at the same time. I couldn't change. I didn't want to. I was happy the way I was, in a world where everybody around me had a place and a purpose. Where feelings were dimmed down to the point of not feeling anything I didn't want to feel. I had to be careful from that point on not to let that glimpse of physical contact become something more than a physical contact. No emotion. Keep everything shut.

My armor started cracking a little later that year, when I was back at her apartment and she was drunk. Amy had discovered what desire was by looking at one of Penny's ex a while ago, and it awoke in her something she probably never felt before. Her brain, with the help of alcohol, was starting to let her heart speak, and she just kissed me. All I could answer was "Fascinating…"…and then she went into the bathroom and threw up. I knew it was the alcohol acting but when she kissed me, I couldn't help but close my eyes. I was not in shock, I did not pull back. I kind of liked it. THAT was scary. Why didn't I pull back? If she hadn't been sick after that kiss, what would have happened? That was scaring me even more. That night, as I sat next to her and put a towel under her head to make sure she did not hurt herself, I took a look at her and smiled. She looked peaceful…and beautiful. For the first time, I could see her as being vulnerable and attractive, which made me feel even more scared. I just didn't know what was happening to me, to us, and why things were changing. As I left her apartment that night, I realized I would have to be even more careful after that, not to let that happen again. Feelings could ruin everything. In a hypothetical world, it could also be good, but there's no way I wanted to open that door. So I backed out again and slid back in my no emotion world. Where I controlled everything. Where my heart did not control me.

Of course during the next few years I tried to control everything I could. What she wanted me to give her I could not even imagine giving it to her. It was too much for me. Too open. Too breakable. It wasn't her fault, it was totally mine. But she stayed with me anyway. I could not give myself to her, but the thought of her giving herself to someone else was hurting me in a way I did not understand. I knew I liked her. I liked all my friends. I knew she was my girlfriend, but not the kind Penny or Bernadette were to Leonard and Howard. She was special. I was going back to neutral zone every time I could to stop this idea. She was special to me. She was my girlfriend. She was the woman I liked. I got used to this idea and started living with it. It felt good. Not too much involved, only a simple recognition of what I already knew.

Until Valentine's Day on the train. The only time I let my guard down and it changed how I felt about her. At least, it clarified it.

I was mad at her. She was ruining one of the best days of my life by trying to put some romanticism into it. I was trying to prove a point, to make her feel bad, but it didn't work. I kissed her. Her lips on mine lit a spark I never felt before, making me bring her body on mine by putting my hands on her hips. Seeking her contact. Needing it. Feeling the warmth of her lips shyly brushing mine. Leaving me breathless. Wanting me to kiss her even more. When we parted, I could feel she was as breathless as I was. She enjoyed it as much as I did. I'm sure she would have taken more if I had given it to her. I would have taken more if I wasn't so scared of how I felt at that moment. I wanted her to be with me. She was my girlfriend. Maybe I liked her more that I thought. Maybe it was what love was. That moment when the heart rules the brain, and you stop thinking to be able to feel. I felt Amy that night. It was not logical, it was just perfect. She was perfect. I would again go back to my brain persona, but it would never be the same after that. She changed something. She changed me. I could not let her know that of course, but it was just the most human I have felt in my life. Where the possibility of loving Amy for the rest of my life became a real possibility.

And then I had to face the fact. I loved her. She was more than special. When I saw her in that dress at that fake prom night I never felt my heart beat that hard in my chest, to the point where I had to lay down on my bed and try to calm myself. She was a vision, she was perfect, and even if I knew I loved her, I couldn't make love to her yet. It was too much for me to handle, and I was scared it would be too little for her to get. When she told me we didn't have to make love that night, even knowing how much she wanted it, I had no doubt in my mind she was the one for me. When she tried to tell me she loved me, I just cut her mid sentence and told her I loved her too. It was the truth. My heart won over my brain. I let in win, and I could not fight my way out of this battle. I loved Amy. I think if she would not have had a panic attack I would have kissed her. She was so beautiful…

Vulnerability is such a difficult state to handle. After that night, I could not really go back to who I was before. I tried, and I failed. I was not the same man. She was not the same woman. She wanted more, and so did I. The only problem was that our "more" was not the same. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her by my side. She wanted me. I couldn't give her me yet, so she broke up. I couldn't blame her, she already had been so patient with me…I just couldn't do it. So I tried to play the old Sheldon again. The one who did not feel. This man, however, doesn't exist anymore. He slowly died because of her. He was replaced by a heart-broken man, who thought he could still be friends with the woman he loves. But he can't.

When I saw another man kissing her in front of her apartment building after I finally got the nerves to go there and ask her to marry me, I realized how much I loved her and what a fool I had been. That I missed my chance.

I could not take her back after the aquarium because if I ever got over her, I never wanted to feel that pain again. I never wanted to feel again. I knew I hurt her a lot, and I did not want to do it again either. She did not deserve it. She deserved to be happy. If I could not make her happy, then I would have to live with the fact that another man made her happy instead of me. Even if it was killing me inside. My brain could not help me anymore. My heart was ruling everything. I was sure my head would take control again; I just didn't know how long it would take. I just had to hope that it would be sooner than later, because this was driving me insane.

And then, 2 days ago, this damn song got stuck in my head. It was the way my heart used to make the connection with my brain and finally merge the two together. To make me realize that my heart and my brain working together was not such an improbable thing. To make me get how she made my life better.

 _I was living like half a man_ …

 _Then I couldn't love but now I can…_

 _More soul than I ever had…_

 _I love the way you softened my life…_

For the first time in my life I acted on impulse. No brain, just heart. I couldn't live without her, because the man I was now was because of her. Living without her would be like missing half of me, and I just couldn't bare that thought. That feeling. And that's what brought me here, in front of her door, hoping she would take me back. And praying it was not too late. So I knocked. And held my breath.

She opened the door. And there she was. My Amy. Standing in front of me like she was so long ago. Only she changed a lot in these past years. And so did I. And this is just an amazing feeling. Not a thought, but a feeling. I had to tell her. I could not go back. It took me all my courage but I told her. I looked her in the eyes and I told her. Not in the clearest way I could, but I did. With a little bit of translation from the guy she was on a date with, she realized what I was trying to say. I realized this was my last chance. And I said it. That I wanted her back. And that I loved her. Clear and simple. _…Because I love you…_ And when she said it back, and I just couldn't find the nerves to do anything else, this guy told me to kiss her. Which I did. I leaned into her and kissed her. Her lips touching mine were the greatest feeling I ever felt, and I could feel her trembling under my hands. She was mine. I was hers. We broke our kiss and smiled. I could not stop looking into her beautiful eyes. Not knowing what to do, and my heart and brain being a total mess, I decided to leave and let her finish her date. Stupid me. Thank God she took me by the arm and brought me back into hers. We kissed for what seemed forever. It was the greatest feeling that happened to me. No theory, no thought, no fact could come close to anything I felt when her arms were wrapped around me and she kissed me. Nothing. And that's the best part about everything. And the reason why I'll never go back to the old Sheldon again. She is my reason. My darling.


	2. Amy's Point of View

Amy's Point of View

It started out as an experiment. I only went on a date once a year, and it was always just to prove a point to my mother that men were not interesting and that she should stop nagging me about it. For the first time, the dating site found a real match for me, a man whose intelligence was in the same universe as mine, which is a way to say that it never happened to me before. He was called Sheldon Cooper. He was a brilliant scientist, just like I was. We were a perfect match. We could talk about things I never could talk about with him and he would know what I was talking about instead of just staring at me like a deer in front of car lights. It was a change. A good one. It also gave me a social life, since I started meeting the people around him. I met the boys. I also met Penny, who changed my views on a lot of things. Who showed me what it was to be a woman. Up to that point, it never occurred to me that it might be of any relevance. She was kind of a role model to me, only I could never do or be anything like she was. She opened my eyes on a lot of things. Including men.

After seeing Zack in a bar and getting some kind of reaction from my body, I started seeing Sheldon as an experiment that could go further than I thought. Like he could be some kind of physical (in the literal sense of the word) experience. It would not be easy, but I could at least try. However, the subject of my experiment did not cooperate as much as I wanted him to. He controlled all the emotions I was trying to awake in him. Once, I took him by the hand and he responded, but it was so quick that I did not even realize he actually took my hand too before I got home that night and thought back about it. I knew I had to try something else.

Sheldon told me I did kiss him one night when he was back with me at the apartment, but I just don't remember that part. There must have been a reason why I did that however, since I know that alcohol can reduce the brain to a vulgar sponge and let all human inhibitions run free. I'm pretty sure I took this opportunity to experiment what kissing him was like. Since it took forever to get another one, I'm always sad that I just don't remember this one.

I remember, however, the first time he took me in his arms. After a round of negotiation that started with an intensive sex offer from my side and finished with a neck massage from his side, we agreed on cuddling. It was so awkward at first, but as I slowly relaxed in his arms, I started feeling something good coming out of this. A feeling of serenity I never felt before. I was still angry at the girls for going dress shopping without me, but this physical contact awoke in my body a craving for more. It started something. I just didn't know it yet.

I realized I had some impact on his life when I went out with Stuart and it annoyed him. Was it possible that he could actually have feelings for me? It made him take a step towards me and he asked me to be his girlfriend. That was a big step in both our lives. It was not just an experiment anymore. There was a possibility, however slim, to actually have a man in my life. To have a connection with a man. This is where my heart started counting in all this story. And boy, I was in for a real treat.

In the next couple of years, every time we would take a tiny step forward, we would take 3 giant steps back. I just couldn't get him to open up. The few reactions I could get from him were when I was angry at him for not taking me into account. He then would do or say something that made me hope again. Like the time he offered me a tiara after acting like a complete idiot and not taking into account how important having my article published was for me. Or the time he gave me this beautiful speech telling me how he felt when we look in each other's eyes when I threatened to end our relationship. It was a painful process, no question about it. I just wondered if it was a process that was worth it. My heart would take beating after beating, but somehow I kept coming back. And hoping. No matter what he did, this hope I had of him being the man I wanted him to be did not die. I kept hoping that one day, I would be a real part of his life, not just his girlfriend by name but also by body and soul.

The only time he ever gave himself to me was on that train, on Valentine's Day. It was THE worst Valentine's Day you can imagine, having to spend it alone with a couple in love and your Valentine talking to a guy about trains like it was the most fascinating thing in the world to talk about. Again, my good intentions were backfiring on me. Again, I felt sad and angry at him. Only this time, when I mentioned that we were supposed to spend a romantic weekend together, he got angry too. He started making a scene by drinking wine, which he hated, looking me in the eyes in a ridiculous way, and kissing me. But the point got lost in this kiss that became our very first romantic kiss, when he actually pulled me towards him and slid his arms around my waist. I couldn't breathe. It was so amazing. I just didn't know what to do. I was scared that if I actually touched him, he would back off and I would lose that spark we created. There was no turning back now. I knew I loved him. I was sure that he was a new man, that he would want to do this over and over again, because it felt so good. But feeling wasn't Sheldon's greatest assess. I spent almost a year after that hoping that this spark would come back. But it didn't come back. And I didn't want this Sheldon anymore. I wanted the one that kissed me that night on the train. The one that awoke desire and passion in me. The one that told me he loved me on the fake prom night and made me panic.

On the night of our 5 year anniversary, after we were kissing on his couch and he asked me a stupid question about a stupid TV show, it hit me. He would never change. I was hoping for something that would never happen. Yes, he could be sweet sometimes, but it wasn't enough anymore. I needed more. I needed the Sheldon Cooper that kissed me on the train, and he wouldn't give it to me. It was time for me to move on, to find somebody that would actually want me. Not just my intelligence, but my body and soul too. Even if it meant I would have to break up with the only man I have ever loved. And always live with this tiny voice in my head that says that maybe, just maybe, he could have changed. I just couldn't do it in front of him, so I did it by webcam. I will never know why he called that night and what he wanted to say to me but it didn't matter anymore. I needed time.

So I started dating other men, trying to figure out what to do but he was always there. Literally. I don't know what I triggered in him after that, but he just wouldn't leave me alone. Maybe he did care for me after all. Maybe he did love me. Was it enough for me to live with?

That day at the aquarium, when we were together and we played that game he invented, it made me realize how much I loved him. How much I missed him. How I made a mistake, and wanted him back in my life. But he rejected me when I asked him to be my boyfriend again. My heart broke, again. It was over. I really would have to move on.

So I called Dave back and we went on another date. It was strange to be on a date with a guy who had as much of a crush as I did on Sheldon. At least this one seemed to be normal, wanting to go on a normal date and paying some attention to me. So here I was. There was just one thing that didn't work. I was sitting on my couch with a man other than the one I love. That just didn't make sense. It shouldn't be this way. I should be with him. Only he didn't want me anymore. I knew I had to get over this, but my heart kept hoping for a miracle that I know will never happen.

I told Dave I didn't know what I was waiting for. Who was I kidding? I was waiting for him. For the love of my life to show up and tell me how wrong he was, how sorry he is and how he wants to spend the rest of his life with me.

Ironically, he chose this exact moment to knock on my door. I got so nervous that I unlocked my unlocked door before I opened it. And there he was. My Sheldon. Fragile and timid like I've never seen him before. Staring through me with his beautiful blue eyes. I told him it wasn't a good time. He just replied that he didn't care. He told me about this song in his head that made him think about me. That this song made him understand how important I was for him. That I was his heartworm. I had no idea what he was talking about, so Dave chose that exact moment to introduce himself and to explain to me what Sheldon was trying to say. I did not want him to back up, so I asked him to keep going. And that's when he told me. In those eyes I could see a new Sheldon, the one I kissed on the train, and I knew before he even said it what my answer was. Yes, I wanted to be his girlfriend again. I felt so relieved that this breakup thing was finally over. His answer was : "Good. Because I love you." My heart skipped at least 3 beats, and in a breath I finally answered that I loved him too. I couldn't help but smile. Everything was perfect. The only thing missing was him kissing me. His hesitation led Dave to finally tell him to kiss me. My heart was beating so loud I couldn't hear anything. All I could do was feel. He slowly leaned towards me and his lips finally touched mine, like it was supposed to be. I could feel his left hand on my neck, his right hand on my back pulling me towards him. It was heavenly. I never wanted this to end. When we parted, he looked at me shyly and said he would let me get back to my date. But he was not going anywhere. He was mine, all mine. I grabbed him by the arm and told him to get back here. I felt his lips on mine again, and lost all control on time, space, or anything I use to control in my life. For once, Sheldon Cooper was not in control. Neither was I. We did not control anything. We were controlled only by the beating of our hearts going wild, and our lips playing together in harmony. And no feeling on earth can be better than this one.


End file.
